Poems

One More Dog

One Dog Is No Trouble And Two Are So Funny
The Third One Is Easy, The Fourth One's A Honey

The Fifth Is Delightful, The Sixth One's A Breeze
You Find You Can Live With A Houseful With Ease

So How 'Bout Another? Would You Really Dare?
They're Really Quite Easy, But Oh Lord, The Hair!

With Dogs On The Sofa And Dogs On The Bed
And Crates In The Kitchen, Its No Bother You Said

They're Really No Trouble, Their Manners Are Great
What's Just One More Dog And One More Little Crate?

The Sofa Is Hairy, The Windows Are Crusty
The Floor Is All Footprints, The Furniture's Dusty

The Housekeeping Suffers But What Do You Care?
Who Minds A Few Nose prints And A Little More Hair?

So Let's get a new Dog, You Can Always Find Room
And A Little More Time For The Dust Cloth And Broom

There's Hardly A Limit To The Dogs You Can Add
The Thought Of A Cutback Sure Makes Yo u Feel Sad

Each One Is Special, So Useful, So Funny
The Food Bill Grows Larger, You Owe The Vet Money

Your Folks Never Visit, Few Friends Come To Stay
Except Other Dog Folks Who Live The Same Way

Your Lawn Has Now Died And Our Shrubs Are Dead Too
Your Weekends Are Busy, Your Off With Your Crew

There's Dog Food And Vitamins, Training And Shots
And Treats And Toys Which Cost Lots and Lots

Is It Worth It You Wonder? Are You Caught In A Trap?
Then That Favorite Comes Up And Climbs In Your Lap

His Look Says You're Special And You Know That You Will
Keep All The Critters In Spite Of The Bill

Winter Is A Hassle But The Dogs Love It True
And They Must Have Their Walks Tho' You Are Numb And Blue

Late Evening Is Awful, You Scream And You Shout
At The Dogs On The Sofa Who Refuse To Go Out

The Dogs And The Kids, The Mess, The Thrills
The Work And The Worry, The Pressure, The Bills

The Whole Thing Seems Worth It, The Dogs Are Your Life
They're Charming And Funny And Offset The Strife

Your Lifestyle Has Changed, Things Just Won't Be The Same
Yes Those Dogs Are Addictive And So's The Dog Game!

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Mom took me outside, we walked for a while.
This never fails to make Mama smile.
I sniffed of everything, that we did pass,
I ate something weird - it gave me gas.

I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true.
He gave me so many great things to chew.
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care.
What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear.

That obedience book, was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy.
I threw up a bit, but that was all right,
When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight.

I made streamers of T.P., while running at full speed.
Mom is pretty quick -- but I was still in the lead.
I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past,
She stopped-shook her head, and breathed,
"You're too fast."

Mama later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!"
That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lightning.
She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord,
She thought I was mad, but I was just bored.

When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore,
That's when my tushy got shoved out the door.
I love it inside, but outside is best.
Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest.

That didn't last long, there was too much to do--
Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe.
I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea,
I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree.

I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus.
I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss.
I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind.
I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN."

The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come!
I sure love my daddy: we always have fun.
I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms,
I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms.

Sitting under the table -- it's sooo hard to wait.
Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate.
I raced through the house, and scattered my toys,
Ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise.

Mom found her purse - the one I abused.
Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??"
I cowered down low, I must be in trouble.
Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy, it must be his double!"

Mom turned off the TV, and said," Time for bed."
Dad said "Let's go boy," and patted my head.
I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad,
I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had.

Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below,
Then let loose a sigh -- a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight,
And whispered so softly, 'My darling goodnight'.

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A NEW PUPPY

. Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places
and walk around barefoot in the dark.

. Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by
a blender.

. Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and
dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up -
come on, lets go!"

. Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must
use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also
float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

. Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball.

. Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.

. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all
over the floor.

. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because
that's where the dog will drag it anyway (especially when
you have company).

. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your
favorite TV program and run to the door shouting, "No no!
Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.

. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and
don't try to clean it up until you return from work that
evening.

. Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times
with a screwdriver - it's going to get chewed on anyway.

. Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and
immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling
you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.

HOW TO SPEND A TWO DOG NIGHT

I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat, although I urge beginners to leave the cat out.

To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed.
There is no point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the breed of dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that before the night is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier.

I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all. The key word here is LEVERAGE. All dogs spend the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an expression of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie Principle". It is also to create leverage.

Because the human being is always in the middle, held tightly in place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is the tip: When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs together quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night.

NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES' A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides).

Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle for a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.

When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer to sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A DOG. (Remember, you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE! Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only three more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at your front, and the other against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow at the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep soundly.

This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various animals needs to be solved.

(author unknown)
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TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named
for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "
Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

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BAGGAGE

Now that I'm home, bathed, settled and fed,
All nicely tucked in my warm new bed.
I'd like to open my baggage Lest I forget,
There is so much to carry
- So much to regret. Hmm . . . Yes, there it is,
right on the top Let's unpack Loneliness, Heartache
and Loss, And there by my leash hides Fear and
Shame. As I look on these things I tried so hard to
leave - I still have to unpack my baggage called
Pain. I loved them, the others, the ones who left
me, But I wasn't good enough - for they didn't want
me. Will you add to my baggage? Will you help me
unpack? Or will you just look at my things - And
take me right back? Do you have the time to help me
unpack? To put away my baggage, To never repack? I
pray that you do - I'm so tired you see, But I do
come with baggage - Will you still want me?
----Evelyn Colbath - 1995

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Blind dogs

I cannot see you Mommy, when you cuddle me so near.
And yet I know you love me, it's in the words I hear.
I cannot see you Daddy, when you hold me by your side
But still I know you love me when you tell me so with pride.
I cannot see to run and play out in the sun so bright
For here inside my tiny head it's always dark as night.
I cannot see the treats you give when I am extra good
But I can wag my tail in Thanks just like a good dog should.
"She cannot see. The dogs no good" is what some folks might say
"She can't be trained, she'll never learn She must be put away."
But not you, Mom and Daddy You know that it's alright
Because I love you just as much as any dog with sight.
You took me in, you gave me love and we will never part
Because I'm blind with just my eyes, I see you in my heart. ---
Sherrill Wardrip (Blind Dogs List member)--

Before I was a Dog Mom

Before I was a Dog Mom...
I had unstained, unfurry clothes.
I slept as late as I wanted, never worried about how late I got to bed (or if I could get into my bed)!
I never tripped over toys, stuffies, or chewies.
I didn't worry if my plants, cleansers, plastic bags, etc. were poisonous or dangerous.
Before I was a Dog Mom...
I never got up in the middle of the night to let the 'baby' out again or calm a whimpering puppy.
I never looked into big, soulful eyes and realized something furry and
four-legged could affect my heart so deeply.
Before I was a Dog Mom...
I didn't know something so small would make me feel so important.
I never knew the warmth, the joy, the love, or the satisfaction of being a Dog Mom.

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If I Didn't Have Animals

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like the kennels.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through
fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch the way I wanted, without taking into
consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get
comfortable.

I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree -- dog bones,
stuffed animals, nor would I have to answer to people why I wrap them.

I would not be on a first-name basis with three veterinarians.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come,
no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats, and an extra
leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, F-R-I-S-B-E-E, or
W-A-L-K.

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog ties them
down too much.

I'd look forward to spring and the melting of snow instead of dreading mud
season.

I would not have to answer the question "Why do you have so many
dogs/animals?" from people who will never have the joy in their lives of
knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel
as they will ever get.

How empty my life would be.

Author known

YELLOW URKA-GURKAS--Dog runs around the house and hides under furniture while making a prolonged 'uuuurka-guuurka, uuurka-guuurka' noise. ( this noise is the only thing guaranteed to wake up a true dog lover who is hung over from a post dog show celebration at 3:30 am ) After mad scrambling to capture the dog and drag him outside the episode ends with an indelible ten yard line of slimy yellow froth from the living rug to back door.

BLAP DISEASE--Dog exercises hard and a) eats large mouthfuls of snow (Winter Blap Disease) or b) drinks a bucket of water (Summer Blap Disease). Within 2 minutes of returning inside the dog spews out large amounts of clear slimy liquid while making a distinctive 'blap' sound and sharp percussive noise as it hits the linoleum.

GARKS--Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and dramatic 'gggaark, gggark,' noises, generally followed by prolonged 'iiikssss' and then loud satisfied smacking noises. There is nothing on the rug. Don't investigate, you don't want to know.

RALFS-- Appropos of nothing, the dog strolls into the dining room and waits til the innocent dinner guests are all watching him. Then with a single deep gut-wrenching 'raaaalfff' disgorges the entire week's contents of his stomach on the dining room rug. VARIATION: then he eats it.

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COOKING WITH DOG HAIR

"The proper way to cook with dog hair"
by Mary E. Wolley

Do you remember how embarrassed you were the last time you had company for dinner and when they dug several dog hairs from your best gourmet effort? This is because there is a right and a wrong way to cook with dog hairs.

First, we must remember each dish calls for a different variety. If you are unfortunate enough to own only one variety, I'm sure you can come up with a friend who will be willing to lend you the proper variety of hair or you could even order a rare variety, as they are light and easy to mail. There are many dishes that are basic to most menus and these can always be spiced up with the buff variety, which are especially useful when baking biscuits, pastries and yellow cakes. The black and tan hairs go well with fall dishes, Thanksgiving turkey, mince or pumpkin pies or even yams. Black, of course is for your roasts, steaks, ribs and hearty dishes, including stews, which carry black hairs well.

Naturally chocolate color hairs will go well with most desserts, unless you serve a very light Jell-O type dessert, in which case go back to the silver buff. If you are especially interested in foreign foods, most varieties can be used in Mexican, Japanese and Chinese cooking. In fact, any nationality food will accept most dog hairs without hurting the flavor.

A good rule of thumb to remember which dog hairs go with which dish is--use them as you would a good wine--white wine and light hair with the delicate dishes, dark wine and dark hair with the more robust, heartier dishes. For a special touch to finish your meal with a flourish, add the long-forgotten finger bowls with a few hairs of assorted colors floating in them. Your guests will be astounded, and so appreciative of your unexpected elegance!

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by Martha O'Connor

My foster dog stinks to high heaven. I don't know for sure what breed he is.
His eyes are blank and hard. He won't let me pet him and growls when I reach
for him. He has ragged scars and crusty sores on his skin. His nails are
long and his teeth which he showed me are stained. I sigh. I drove two hours
for this. I carefully maneuver him so that I can stuff him in the crate.
Then I heft the crate and put it in the car. I am going home with my new
foster dog.

At home I leave him in the crate till all the other dogs are in the yard. I
get him out of the crate and ask him if he wants 'outside.' As I lead him
to the door he hikes his leg on the wall and shows me his stained teeth
again. When we come in he goes to the crate because that's the only safe
place he sees. I offer him food but he won't eat it if I look at him, so I
turn my back. When I come back the food is gone. I ask again about
'outside.' When we come back I pat him before I let him in the crate, he
jerks away and runs into the crate to show me his teeth.

The next day I decide I can't stand the stink any longer I lead him into the
bath with cheese in my hand. His fear of me is not quite overcome by his
wish for the cheese. And well he should fear me, for I will give him a bath.
After an attempt or two to bail out he is defeated and stands there. I have
bathed four legged bath squirters for more dog years than he has been alive.
His only defense was a show of his stained teeth that did not hold up to a
face full of water. As I wash him it is almost as if I wash not only the
stink and dirt away but also some of his hardness. His eyes look full of
sadness now. And he looks completely pitiful as only a soap covered dog can.
I tell him that he will feel better when he is cleaned. After the soap the
towels are not too bad so he lets me rub him dry. I take him outside. He
runs for joy. The joy of not being in the tub and the joy of being clean. I,
the bath giver, am allowed to share the joy. He comes to me and lets me pet
him.

One week later I have a vet bill. His skin is healing. He likes for me to
pet him. I think I know what color he will be when his hair grows in. I have
found out he is terrified of other dogs. So I carefully introduce him to my
mildest four legged brat. It doesn't go well.

Two weeks later a new vet bill for an infection that was missed on the first
visit. He plays with the other dogs.

Three weeks later he asks to be petted. He chewed up part of the rug.

Eight weeks later his coat shines, he has gained weight. He shows his clean
teeth when his tongue lolls out after he plays chase in the yard with the
gang. His eyes are soft and filled with life. He loves hugs and likes to
show off his tricks, if you have the cheese.

Someone called today and asked about him, they saw the picture I took the
first week. They asked about his personality, his history, his breed. They
asked if he was pretty. I asked them lots of questions. I checked up on
them. I prayed. I said yes. When they saw him the first time they said he
was the most beautiful dog they had ever seen.

Six months later I got a call from his new family. He is wonderful, smart,
well behaved and very loving. How could someone not want him?

I told them I didn't know.

He is beautiful.

THEY ALL ARE!

I adopted your pet today...
The one you left at the pound;
The one you had for ten years
And no longer wanted around.

I adopted your pet today...
Did you know that he's lost weight?
Did you know he's scared and depressed
And seems to have lost all faith?

I adopted your pet today...
He had fleas and a little cold;
Guess you don't care what shape he's in
— You abandoned him I am told.

I adopted your pet today...
Were you having a baby or moving away?
Did you suddenly develop allergies,
Or was there NO reason he couldn't stay?

I adopted your pet today...
He doesn't play or even eat much;
I guess he's very sad inside and
It'll take time for him to trust.

I adopted your pet today...
And here he is going to stay;
He's found his FOREVER home
And a warm bed in which to lay.

I adopted your pet today...
And shall give him all that he will need
— Patience, love, and security,
So he can forget your selfish deed.